Life continues to be on a roll and I continue to fumble along with it. Now is the time to pause and reflect and also the time when the injuries take their toll. I go back to one of the conversations I had a few months ago. One about looking at life in blocks. When I started out, everything seemed to blend into a single block - behavourial patterns, circumstances and their effects. As I moved closer to the present, these blocks started to get smaller till it became one flowing mass of circumstances with a varying range of effects. Fast forward to a time when even pausing to catch my breath seems like a remote possibility.
Barring the frantic pace of things of life forming and deforming around me, there is also the challenge of keeping an eye out for the obvious. The movement of the starts in the sky, the flight patterns of the birds, the falling and growing of leaves and flowers and the multitude of colours that dominate the expanse of my existence. They cannot and should not be overlooked for they exist, too, for a reason. And I remember how silly I felt when I avoided the obvious in the past. In all, the strain on the faculties have led to a gradual and painful decay.
There are times when I have to wait to sense the reaction to any situation and I am more often than not, surprised to find none. Instead, what I realise is the deep stench emanating from my being. In the processing years, I recall the impact of smell on my perception and today, I can feel that change about me. I smell different. From the earthy sandalwood perfume that I once wore, I smell more of an oncoming decay. No amount of perfume of deodorant has helped in overcoming the same. Is it death? I once asked myself. Quite amused by the thought that now, when I have finally decided to give myself the much-abhorred leash of life, is the grand plan to just collapse? But no, it couldn't be that simple.
Fear of another radical change? Is that it? Afraid to acknowledge what destiny might hold in its fold in the time to come? Perhaps, that is what keeps me up and active now. There is an urge, occasionally though, to revert to the old ways but I know that would serve no purpose. Instead make me feel weaker and more distracted. Comfort zone is not the way out this time. Herein, I should share my most recent flurry of dreams. At first, it was just a half-open lotus bed drifting on its stem down a river. On closer observation, in subsequent occasions, it turned out to be carrying within it, a child. I did not dare give it much thought, though I realised it was a strong omen. And then, day before yesterday, I saw myself in a dream. Just my hands, I was fiddling with a ring on my finger. One I have never seen before or dreamt of possessing. A single square blue gemstone fixed on a silver ring that I was shifting from my ring finger of the right hand. When I thought of it again in my waking hours, I decided to look up an interpretation and there it was, the same omen - indicating the birth of a son.
A lifetime's quest of finding a home and hearth seems to be taking me everywhere else but I cannot deny, the soft warmth in my being as I begin to think of a child, my child. I shall let time narrate the rest of this tale.
Barring the frantic pace of things of life forming and deforming around me, there is also the challenge of keeping an eye out for the obvious. The movement of the starts in the sky, the flight patterns of the birds, the falling and growing of leaves and flowers and the multitude of colours that dominate the expanse of my existence. They cannot and should not be overlooked for they exist, too, for a reason. And I remember how silly I felt when I avoided the obvious in the past. In all, the strain on the faculties have led to a gradual and painful decay.
There are times when I have to wait to sense the reaction to any situation and I am more often than not, surprised to find none. Instead, what I realise is the deep stench emanating from my being. In the processing years, I recall the impact of smell on my perception and today, I can feel that change about me. I smell different. From the earthy sandalwood perfume that I once wore, I smell more of an oncoming decay. No amount of perfume of deodorant has helped in overcoming the same. Is it death? I once asked myself. Quite amused by the thought that now, when I have finally decided to give myself the much-abhorred leash of life, is the grand plan to just collapse? But no, it couldn't be that simple.
Fear of another radical change? Is that it? Afraid to acknowledge what destiny might hold in its fold in the time to come? Perhaps, that is what keeps me up and active now. There is an urge, occasionally though, to revert to the old ways but I know that would serve no purpose. Instead make me feel weaker and more distracted. Comfort zone is not the way out this time. Herein, I should share my most recent flurry of dreams. At first, it was just a half-open lotus bed drifting on its stem down a river. On closer observation, in subsequent occasions, it turned out to be carrying within it, a child. I did not dare give it much thought, though I realised it was a strong omen. And then, day before yesterday, I saw myself in a dream. Just my hands, I was fiddling with a ring on my finger. One I have never seen before or dreamt of possessing. A single square blue gemstone fixed on a silver ring that I was shifting from my ring finger of the right hand. When I thought of it again in my waking hours, I decided to look up an interpretation and there it was, the same omen - indicating the birth of a son.
A lifetime's quest of finding a home and hearth seems to be taking me everywhere else but I cannot deny, the soft warmth in my being as I begin to think of a child, my child. I shall let time narrate the rest of this tale.
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