Skip to main content

Ah.. Love!

For weeks before I got into my current relationship I could see the universe weave its magic all around me. But I guess that has happened before each of my relationships so I am more afraid of the scars that appear after the magic fades away that enjoying it's spell with a spring in my step. Having burnt too many pieces of my sensitive heart a little too many times already, the reluctance in accepting this wonderful gift from life is understandable. Considering all human beings are complex, at least that's what most of us want to believe, the aftereffects of falling in love too soon or too often worsen the loneliness that follows the realisation that it was not meant to be.

Like a leper's arm that despite being inflicted with the disease and rotting bit by bit with every passing day, loneliness has found deep roots in my being and refuses to celebrate the slightest hint of companionship. I differ from those who call it a compulsive depression disorder, it is not. It is merely a fear of getting hurt again and is present in every form in every living thing. Come on, even plants have a defense mechanism. I experience happiness in my day-to-day life, it comes without much effort but the fear of the sting that follows keeps me on my guard, hampers the flow.

It wouldn't be completely incorrect to say that I had made peace with my state of mind when I was single. Life seemed a lot more easier and my mood shifts and swings were a lot more under control given the absence of pretending to be alright before someone who would get affected. It tends be a lot worse when there's someone around who cares or is expected to care. It will definitely take a lot of time to come to terms with this new facet of life and though I may not know if life is offering me a chance to live or merely teasing me again to have a laugh... I hope I can sit back and laugh at these fears that haunt my present, in my future.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Introduction to the Journalism Pathway

My career in journalism started out with an internship at India's prestigious Indian Express newspaper in New Delhi. The office, which took me well over an hour to commute to, was even then, a formidable force in journalism in India. Still an wide-eyed undergraduate with a theoretical grasp of the field, my first and only project over 2 weeks for the organisation, left a huge impact on my career.  The idea of going into journalism came from my English teacher, Mrs Moss. One day, close to the completion of my 12th grade, she was suggesting career options for some of us to explore. She looked at me and said, "Given your love for talking, you should consider a career path in law or in media." To put this into context, I was a student with good grades in an English medium school in one of the most backward states of India, Bihar. Any further educational aspirations would take me outside the town that I had grown up in, as was the case for all my classmates. Most of my peers w...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Ooze from the Gut

Life continues to be on a roll and I continue to fumble along with it. Now is the time to pause and reflect and also the time when the injuries take their toll. I go back to one of the conversations I had a few months ago. One about looking at life in blocks. When I started out, everything seemed to blend into a single block - behavourial patterns, circumstances and their effects. As I moved closer to the present, these blocks started to get smaller till it became one flowing mass of circumstances with a varying range of effects. Fast forward to a time when even pausing to catch my breath seems like a remote possibility. Barring the frantic pace of things of life forming and deforming around me, there is also the challenge of keeping an eye out for the obvious. The movement of the starts in the sky, the flight patterns of the birds, the falling and growing of leaves and flowers and the multitude of colours that dominate the expanse of my existence. They cannot and should not be over...
Post a Comment
Read more

To endorse or not to endorse

It's a tricky question... For the past three days I find myself returning, every now and then to search for new tracks for my digital high. I have to admit it is quite addictive. Taking my curiosity to an all new high, I opened my sound cloud account today and VIOLA! discovered an entire community of people who have succumbed to the sound. It is the same feeling from earlier, just that now I don't have to worry about waking up with the stench of alcohol on me. I just sit in my office and punch a few keys and stay submerged in the sound. The problem is that like any other addiction, I cannot share this ecstacy with the world. I tried getting a colleague to hear one of the tracks but she didn't like its effects. Twenty continuous minutes of listening to the music and I feel so high. I feel light, I feel strange. I feel happy too. It's nice. I plan to get my music player and download some of the grub and carry it with me. Give it a listen for a few days and if it works fi...
Post a Comment
Read more