For weeks before I got into my current relationship I could see the universe weave its magic all around me. But I guess that has happened before each of my relationships so I am more afraid of the scars that appear after the magic fades away that enjoying it's spell with a spring in my step. Having burnt too many pieces of my sensitive heart a little too many times already, the reluctance in accepting this wonderful gift from life is understandable. Considering all human beings are complex, at least that's what most of us want to believe, the aftereffects of falling in love too soon or too often worsen the loneliness that follows the realisation that it was not meant to be.
Like a leper's arm that despite being inflicted with the disease and rotting bit by bit with every passing day, loneliness has found deep roots in my being and refuses to celebrate the slightest hint of companionship. I differ from those who call it a compulsive depression disorder, it is not. It is merely a fear of getting hurt again and is present in every form in every living thing. Come on, even plants have a defense mechanism. I experience happiness in my day-to-day life, it comes without much effort but the fear of the sting that follows keeps me on my guard, hampers the flow.
It wouldn't be completely incorrect to say that I had made peace with my state of mind when I was single. Life seemed a lot more easier and my mood shifts and swings were a lot more under control given the absence of pretending to be alright before someone who would get affected. It tends be a lot worse when there's someone around who cares or is expected to care. It will definitely take a lot of time to come to terms with this new facet of life and though I may not know if life is offering me a chance to live or merely teasing me again to have a laugh... I hope I can sit back and laugh at these fears that haunt my present, in my future.
Like a leper's arm that despite being inflicted with the disease and rotting bit by bit with every passing day, loneliness has found deep roots in my being and refuses to celebrate the slightest hint of companionship. I differ from those who call it a compulsive depression disorder, it is not. It is merely a fear of getting hurt again and is present in every form in every living thing. Come on, even plants have a defense mechanism. I experience happiness in my day-to-day life, it comes without much effort but the fear of the sting that follows keeps me on my guard, hampers the flow.
It wouldn't be completely incorrect to say that I had made peace with my state of mind when I was single. Life seemed a lot more easier and my mood shifts and swings were a lot more under control given the absence of pretending to be alright before someone who would get affected. It tends be a lot worse when there's someone around who cares or is expected to care. It will definitely take a lot of time to come to terms with this new facet of life and though I may not know if life is offering me a chance to live or merely teasing me again to have a laugh... I hope I can sit back and laugh at these fears that haunt my present, in my future.
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