India's much too short autumn is breathing its last and the onslaught of the cold draught of wind stirs up an age-old foe, depression.
I am not among the surprised ones this year. I have known all too well of the creeping hollowness that winters can bring. However, I must admit that I am surprised that instead of being on guard against the symptoms I have come to know very well. I find myself wielding a defiant shield against a recognised few. So here I am today, battling the horrors that make the ones I care about weak and try to help them overcome their fears and the only question that I face, like every other year, is.. What should I look forward to now?
Do not misunderstand my anxiety for depression, let the insolence lie aside for a while. Sit, listen to me for once... for I have much to express. Life has been as exciting as I could have never possibly imagined. My understanding is so very limited that I simply give up in awe at the beauty of everything around me. It is truly difficult to explain how it feels when the breath that you once drew felt like a obligation and then... as if touched my a magical hand... its transforms into a miracle. Yes, every single breath I take today is a miracle. Every note I hear, every emotion I feel and every sense of touch and taste... it is miraculous. Food never tasted better, I never felt more warm, music never sounded so pure and the sense of being alive never seemed more complete than how it does at this moment. It's great to be alive. It is an endless jubilation, a celebration of colours and things I can touch and learn about. As a seeker, I always say, that my journey begins every moment and I am grateful that at this moment I am learning something new. There is no desperation to reach the end or a need to know what lies beyond. The curiosity is satisfied for I have only too many answers at hand. There is a purpose, I am sure for every moment I learn something new. There is still something more I need to learn, probably unlearn so that I can return to and experience it with new eyes.
Late in the night, I was sitting at my computer yet again (yes, production woes continue)when I see an ex-colleague online. We start having a mundane conversation and he asks me somewhere towards the end, "What is love? How is one supposed to feel when they are in love?" I couldn't give him an answer in complete honesty (he wasn't interested anyways) but I went back to re-feeling, if there is any such possibility, the feeling of being in love. The first time I actually felt love as a woman was on my first Valentine's Day with my husband. Since we spent most of our waking hours together, we had a pretty clear understanding of what we liked or disliked. Despite it being almost a year later, it was difficult to surprise each other. And yet, when he walked in through the door of the flat I used to live it, cake in one hand, flowers in another and a shy, reluctant smile on his face to let me know how bothersome the whole ordeal had been... I felt very special. He sat d...
Comments
Post a Comment