Neatly Folded

A movie I just saw brings back the memory of a very old friend. A question.."How can I be true to myself if I don't know who I am?" The very same has helped me make many mistakes in life, filled me with guilt and caused, I must admit, much trauma to my fragile sense of balance. Since I have never really known the truth about me, I have always chosen to be surrounded by those who identified with me at that point in life or, were as confused as me. It was a convenient thing to do. And now, I realise that convenience, no matter how articulately portrayed as reality, runs a certain course. So I am now standing at a point where those who related to me have no use for my existence, my quest is rendered redundant and my restlessness annoys them. If I play along, I'm being too polite and artificial, if I choose to keep away, then I am rude and insensitive. Somehow, though it still bothers me a bit, I know this will pass. My quest is mine alone and no one is bound to unders

It was after much persuasion that I have been able to bring myself back to writing. For some bizarre reasons the ideas in my head tangoed about quite a bit but never directed the body to putting them in ink. That's the way it becomes, every once in a while, I suppose. This post is about how deep the impact of the surroundings become on a mind that is clogged with too many thoughts and how mental stress triggers vivid dreams making unreal elements of a real life, the dream reality. After having watched Mel Gibson's Apocalypto yet again, I rushed to hail the night cab and get back into the confines of home. I watched yet another movie ( In Good Company ) on my phone before I finally slept after daybreak. What followed was a crazy labyrinth of dreams that became impossible to follow the thread of once I woke up. The usual problem of being in a dream emerged. It was all too real and I spent quite a bit of my energy on living through it. The scene started somewhere in my old ho

Life continues to be on a roll and I continue to fumble along with it. Now is the time to pause and reflect and also the time when the injuries take their toll. I go back to one of the conversations I had a few months ago. One about looking at life in blocks. When I started out, everything seemed to blend into a single block - behavourial patterns, circumstances and their effects. As I moved closer to the present, these blocks started to get smaller till it became one flowing mass of circumstances with a varying range of effects. Fast forward to a time when even pausing to catch my breath seems like a remote possibility. Barring the frantic pace of things of life forming and deforming around me, there is also the challenge of keeping an eye out for the obvious. The movement of the starts in the sky, the flight patterns of the birds, the falling and growing of leaves and flowers and the multitude of colours that dominate the expanse of my existence. They cannot and should not be over

It's a tricky question... For the past three days I find myself returning, every now and then to search for new tracks for my digital high. I have to admit it is quite addictive. Taking my curiosity to an all new high, I opened my sound cloud account today and VIOLA! discovered an entire community of people who have succumbed to the sound. It is the same feeling from earlier, just that now I don't have to worry about waking up with the stench of alcohol on me. I just sit in my office and punch a few keys and stay submerged in the sound. The problem is that like any other addiction, I cannot share this ecstacy with the world. I tried getting a colleague to hear one of the tracks but she didn't like its effects. Twenty continuous minutes of listening to the music and I feel so high. I feel light, I feel strange. I feel happy too. It's nice. I plan to get my music player and download some of the grub and carry it with me. Give it a listen for a few days and if it works fi

I take the title of today's post from a movie I saw a few months ago during one of my trips. The idea is not to let circumstances get the better of me. To be able to resurrect, no matter who or what I face and always, find my way back to the starting point from which I can make it all right again. No need to say that this is much easier typed than done. Going by the number of distraction that I face on a daily basis, the real challenge is to keep my focus. To analyse on an every day basis where my destination lies and how much I have been able to fare in the span of time alloted to me. It's never easy, considering telling a lie to myself is always an easier option but that's the real fix, being honest to oneself. We all like to believe that we do not tell lies. But is that really the case? Are we truly capable of being absolutely honest with ourselves. If we did, wouldn't that be the foundation of a utopian society? Or a perfect human being? The ability to be honest a

I have known for quite a while that chemical drugs simply don't go well with me. It induces a high that I cannot control and losing control over my physical being is of extreme discomfit to me. I have stayed away from chemical induced highs and the only rare occasions when I have indulged in them were only when I was drunk. Even then, the experience was anything but memorable. As the drug takes charge of my mind and forces me let go of control over my body, a defense mechanism takes shape to fight off the drug and retain control over the body causing a very disturbing pattern in my mind. In short, I get violent. Having been an active surfer on Youtube for meditative chants and sounds that calm my mind, I came across a video called Digital Drug and was instantly intrigued. The effect of a chemical is, after all, to cause a particular pattern in the mind and the same can also be brought to effect by an aware mind using a stimulating piece of music. Having some time to spare, I clic

It's been quite a while being with myself. These are the happy times I could say, unlike the restlessness that I feel when I am with someone or even when I am with a group, desperately trying to fit in, knowing all the while that I never will and that in time, the connections, the warmth and the affections will fade. It would unfair to say that it doesn't bother me. Of course it does but I think I have just about sufficient human connect for now. I am struggling to make peace with the solitude every day. Keep my moods stable and reel in the outbursts that have welling up like a tornado within. There will be madness again soon but I want to relax for the time that I have for me right now. Funny, being in the present moment is an incessant struggle. For example, I know that is a Saturday night again and I am in a total party mode but all the same I am happy being in my space, listening to tracks that I would like to listen to instead of putting up with a mob's affection fo

My fingers are flying across the keyboard and I don't remember making sense anymore. i don't know why I should keep writing.. if there is anything at all that still needs to be said that I have not been able to say so far. Before this,. I was not even aware of the emptiness that had started becoming me. I had been running away from the shadows , not realising that I was heading straight into the arms of a darkness and now, when I don't see the shadows behind, I try to stop to take a breath and I realise that I can no longer stop. That I wasn't running at all. That I was being dragged away... mind, body and soul into a blankness. Into a place beyond explanations, justifications or the need of either. I see someone in the distance, it seems like a haze. Despite the blur, I can see that she is scared. afraid and needs someone to reach out to. I try to move towards her.maybe she has seen another way in and together we will be able to find ourr way out. She is crying no