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True to myself



A movie I just saw brings back the memory of a very old friend. A question.."How can I be true to myself if I don't know who I am?" The very same has helped me make many mistakes in life, filled me with guilt and caused, I must admit, much trauma to my fragile sense of balance. Since I have never really known the truth about me, I have always chosen to be surrounded by those who identified with me at that point in life or, were as confused as me. It was a convenient thing to do. And now, I realise that convenience, no matter how articulately portrayed as reality, runs a certain course.

So I am now standing at a point where those who related to me have no use for my existence, my quest is rendered redundant and my restlessness annoys them. If I play along, I'm being too polite and artificial, if I choose to keep away, then I am rude and insensitive. Somehow, though it still bothers me a bit, I know this will pass. My quest is mine alone and no one is bound to understand it.

I often wonder why my writings, such as this, turn so morbid. I am not unhappy with the turn of life. Yes, it is lonely but I certainly am much happier being with myself, lost in my questions and amazement than pretending to be comfortable with anyone else's reality. Perhaps I am deeply sad within. That isn't such a bad thing. I was offered no contract to be ecstatic through the journey, I'm sure I would be sad to sign that too. Yes, a sense of sadness makes me feel at home. Warms my being but it has to be honest. I have had too many fake fears and tears thrust upon me. Mostly, I don't mind them either. It's okay.

Who am I? The I that is typing away these words into a non-responsive face... her identity, I feel, will be revealed much after the journey has ended and then, it won't matter at all. The more pertinent question it seems is 'What is she doing here?' Good question. What am I doing here? Am I here to learn? To make mistakes? To evolve? Into what? Not very long ago, I took great pride in describing myself as an exclamation mark. Not much has changed since that time, except a haunting bend to the punctuation, making it resemble more of a question mark. The exclamation remains, leaving enough room for questions... perhaps some answers too.

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