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Sucked into nothing..

The trip to Vridavan has left me deeply disturbed. When asked to offer prayers to ensure that my parents would find a place in heaven after their demise, I had no response to give. The priest urged me to name my parents along with the name of the God and assured me that their mortal life would be long and full of joys brought by me and if I returned for three years to the temple and offered the same prayers I could assure them a place at the Lord's feet after their journey on the Earth was over. I flinched. Making money of another's weakness isn't a new phenomenon to anyone living in our times. But the void that I struggle to live with every day suddenly takes over my life completely. I had barely recovered when I found myself in Mathura, egged on by the head priest to swing the jhoola of BalGopal and be blessed, in return, with children of my own. I flinched again.

The gaping holes of life loomed so hugely before me, threatening to drag me right back into the folds of black that I have just managed to escape from, that I shrunk into my room and refused to look any further. No matter how hard I tried, I could not spend a single moment that night without thinking of what I have lost. A father - my hero,the only one who has trusted me so completely, a mother - my spirit, who taught me how to live and became my reason to be, a husband - my beloved, the one who stood by me when the world chose to look away or did not know what to do, a child - my hope, a chance to redeem my soul, the ultimate experience as a woman. I feel so blank, so lost and all because someone wanted me to sign up for the temple's fundraising initiative. Sometimes I laugh at how vulnerable I can be, how I overreact to situations... why can I not look away and stay positive? Can I?

Life is giving me another chance and I am grateful for every moment that I have been blessed with and I strive to fill it with joy... but it's too darn painful. And today, amongst all the agendas I have listed for myself I cannot help see the faces of the ones I have lost and still yearn to meet. I hope I recover soon and find my way back into the light. Find once again, the will to live and the strength to carry on.

Comments

  1. RanjanFebruary 12, 2011 at 11:31 PM

    hope you have recovered... have found myself in such moments too, being vulnerable and learning to find strength in them rather than weakness is still a struggle.. hope we always have the will and the strength to carry on and live.. :)

    ReplyDelete

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