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Cheating death?

For quite a while, the essence of life has been dawning upon me by way of little miracles that egged me on to celebrate the life that I was living. I sought nothing more than a reason to make sense of every day that I was gifted and found contentment in witnessing those little acts of God that few passers-by stopped to marvel at. Needless to say, the night had waded away as I set about living my life with all the dexterity of a peasant going about his business in his waking hours. Crash! Boom! The night descended yet again. I have often admired how quickly darkness descends after twilight as opposed to the almost reluctant daybreak, marred by a cover of dense clouds on some days... Days like this are the ones that make me feel as if they were not meant to happen!
Despite having slept right through the weekend, I did not quite find the energy in me to engage myself in any useful activity this morning to I simply turned towards the wall of the room, seeking the comfort of a memory I had chosen to abandon sometime back. I drifted into an uncomfortable sleep.
I was lying on the other side of the bed now, too tired to wake up and too much in pain to complain. I was simply lying there feeling the rush of blood to my head hanging from the side. Ashamed of finding myself yet again in the same condition, I let out a deep sigh... and with it I felt myself leaving my body. I felt myself moving towards to the ceiling, looking at my lifeless form all the same. Instantly I was overcome by an overbearing urge to return, as if I regretted the decision to part. When I woke up from the dream, I was gasping for breath and I found myself racing out of the bed to the restroom seeking something to hold on to. The feel of the grit under my feet and cold, damp walls of the room were all so welcome in that instant.
I cannot understand, for sure, the sudden desire to live... for I do not believe it to be mine. It took me back to an earlier time when I had a similar out-of-body experience, which I found to be strangely comforting.. since I knew that the destination I was headed for might not be one known to me, yet it remains populated by those I have held dear to me and hoped to see again every passing day. I miss those peaceful days when I knew I was simply biding my time in this arena. Injustice did not affect me and lawlessness was not tiresome. It was a strange feeling of being set free, though with a biting desire to return to the sanctity of a home but yet, from that distance, home was just a beautiful dream... and having found my feet in reality, I feel cheated, suffocated. This is not what I had been looking for... the years of patience and turmoil have resulted in a strange discomfit. I would not call it a farce, or a disappointment... for it is, still, an overwhelming emotion to find one's feet again, yet, it leaves so much to be desired. Many hopes still lie, waiting to be realised.

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