Neatly Folded

It's been quite a while being with myself. These are the happy times I could say, unlike the restlessness that I feel when I am with someone or even when I am with a group, desperately trying to fit in, knowing all the while that I never will and that in time, the connections, the warmth and the affections will fade. It would unfair to say that it doesn't bother me. Of course it does but I think I have just about sufficient human connect for now. I am struggling to make peace with the solitude every day. Keep my moods stable and reel in the outbursts that have welling up like a tornado within. There will be madness again soon but I want to relax for the time that I have for me right now. Funny, being in the present moment is an incessant struggle. For example, I know that is a Saturday night again and I am in a total party mode but all the same I am happy being in my space, listening to tracks that I would like to listen to instead of putting up with a mob's affection fo...

My fingers are flying across the keyboard and I don't remember making sense anymore. i don't know why I should keep writing.. if there is anything at all that still needs to be said that I have not been able to say so far. Before this,. I was not even aware of the emptiness that had started becoming me. I had been running away from the shadows , not realising that I was heading straight into the arms of a darkness and now, when I don't see the shadows behind, I try to stop to take a breath and I realise that I can no longer stop. That I wasn't running at all. That I was being dragged away... mind, body and soul into a blankness. Into a place beyond explanations, justifications or the need of either. I see someone in the distance, it seems like a haze. Despite the blur, I can see that she is scared. afraid and needs someone to reach out to. I try to move towards her.maybe she has seen another way in and together we will be able to find ourr way out. She is crying no...

" Perhaps you have reached the stage when life stops giving you and starts taking away " - Indian Jones and the Crystal Skull . Few, very few, have not been as lucky. There are those out there, like me, who have only learnt to let go. Whether we want to or not. To learn to love, only to lose - is a fate that I would not wish upon my worst enemies, even in my greatest rage. For that is a reality that I am still teaching myself to live with. There are those who believe this is an act of self-pity but believe me, after years of scornful speeches from well-wishers and watching them return in their own time to apologise for their insensitivity, I have learnt not to care. Those who try to understand might succeed but those that grow tired of only listening to my daily struggle to live a meaningful existence and more than welcome to walk out of the door - and they have. I will not wallow in the whole morbid recollection of all that I have lost this year, for the list continues...

India's much too short autumn is breathing its last and the onslaught of the cold draught of wind stirs up an age-old foe, depression. I am not among the surprised ones this year. I have known all too well of the creeping hollowness that winters can bring. However, I must admit that I am surprised that instead of being on guard against the symptoms I have come to know very well. I find myself wielding a defiant shield against a recognised few. So here I am today, battling the horrors that make the ones I care about weak and try to help them overcome their fears and the only question that I face, like every other year, is.. What should I look forward to now? Do not misunderstand my anxiety for depression, let the insolence lie aside for a while. Sit, listen to me for once... for I have much to express. Life has been as exciting as I could have never possibly imagined. My understanding is so very limited that I simply give up in awe at the beauty of everything around me. It is tru...

It's quite an unnatural feeling. I do not remember last feeling it. It is a fear. Prone to tragedies, I am quite used to the concept of death/passing over or whatever you may wish to call it. Hence, my fear of the dark is not for myself anymore. What can a spirit gain of hurting me? I do not fear death for I do not feel the urge to live. No, I am not depressed. I am just honest about the fact that I have realised that there is no major loss in my death. Hence, I see no reason to fear it. Or at least that's what I thought. Sidelining the issue a bit, I am reminded of a conversation I once had with Uppa. It was about why I hate calendars. I do hate them still. The date and time have their relevance but I am comfortable with a simple icon at the edge of a computer to remind me of it, instead of a full-fledged sheet with numbers and months printed on it. As someone who has seen a little too much of death in life, a calendar often turns out to be a bitter reminder of birthdays, a...

I had happily passed the phase after the strange dream I had of a naked woman wrapped by a giant snake. Till a few minutes ago when a picture of the very vision I had, popped on the screen of my colleague (who sits next to me).. It was a page about Lilith. The true alter-ego of man and the woman God created before Eve. On reading some more, I understand that Lilith was way too explosive to sustain life on Earth and hence, she had to be destroyed. The tamer Eve took her place but Lilith, having been a resident of the Earth, left her traces behind. She had, in fact, borne Adam children.. a girl (I don't know why this sounds obvious) along with several various lesser forms of human (who were conveniently tagged as demon off-spring and their mother termed as a demoness) but since she was uncontrollable to Adam, she was banished. Adam and Eve continued their life on Earth. It is thus, a myth that all children were born of Adam and Eve alone... Lilith and her children prospered as well...

I don't think I can ever stop talking about my bizarre and mostly non-existent sleeping habits. From not being able to sleep a wink for five days at a row and then collapsing into two continuous days of a world-weary slumber, to being groggy all the time despite having sufficient sleep. At times, I felt that life chose to put me to sleep in accordance to its plans but I don't think that is the case any longer, for my patterns do not make sense now. A new facet, a thought is developing in my sleep-induced mind. I need a dream. Like a mirage.. that will excite and prod me through a phase that I am going through. Like I always say, it is impossible to master the shades that life has to offer and that is exactly what makes life such a good teacher. There is nothing as unpredictable as life and as a true follower of the same, I understand the complicated soul that I seem to become in the eyes of those who choose not to believe. It is impossible for me to imagine myself content in li...